One day, as we sat in heaving traffic coming back into the city of Hanoi, I spied a man on a motorbike. But, not a man alone; a man, a queen-size bed and about six grocery bags of apples. This is not an uncommon sight in Vietnam. It might be four pigs, or five other family members, or a full-length mirror being held whilst driving. I observed that this is a country where, if you can imagine it, it is possible. The history of failed invasions shows us that the Vietnamese are incredibly resilient people. Even when cut down, they will find a way to adapt and change to suit the situation and come back strong. They live in a world where if something needs to be done, you just dream up a way, and go about making it happen. Need to shift those 17 fence posts and 20 meters of fencing wire down to the neighbours…no worries, we’ll get that on the back of the bike and have room for the kids and the dog.
I learned a valuable lesson by observing these incredible people. In the face of adversity, or even whilst living your everyday life; the ability to ease back on control and adapt when change is inevitable, teamed with the belief that anything is possible with hard work, leads to resilience and strength.
What is it about control that is so enticing to us? We want to control outcomes, our futures, situations, and sometimes, those around us. All in a bid to keep ourselves safe from that niggling fear of the unknown. In the past, I’ve been a big fan of controlling my life and future. I couldn’t stand the not knowing. I had to have all my ducks in a row, so to speak. I didn’t express the gene for the following thought process ‘it will all work itself out, what will be will be.’ Instead I was a huge supporter of ‘no it won’t, there will be some huge disaster and I will be that fool that wasn’t prepared and then my life will be a complete failure and the world just might stop turning!’ If you hadn’t already noticed, I truly didn’t own the idea of ‘having faith.’
As a result, my mind was a wash of constant plans, strategies and playing movies. In my head, I was busy acting out the future and assessing for dangerous turns and situations to be wary of. This is a common way in which we provide ourselves with security, all the while believing, that this will ensure that our future becomes what we want it to be. It’s all an act to keep us safe and cosy, away from the terrible, frightening, fearsome unforseen. If we know what’s coming, we can prepare for the storm, or so we think.
But, there are always going to be surprises that slide out from between the layers of the woodwork. What I never considered, was that some of those surprises are actually the stuff that dreams and subconscious movie reels are made of. I never thought for a second that maybe it could be those detours off the path that might be disguising a little morsel of happiness. I also never realised that by always planning, we sometimes avoid those gems, effectively side-stepping our own opportunities to feel alive. By always staying safe and trying to control all the outcomes ahead of me, I went and had a little nap from my life. I think I lost a whole year living in the safe zone instead of actually feeling the buz and hum within my cells of really living. Sometimes what you think you want, is not what you actually need. Safety does not equal joy.
How many times do we find ourselves saying ‘it isn’t in the plan right now’ ‘this new opportunity, or this new person came out of nowhere. I’m not ready for them’ ‘It’s not how I imagined it to go in my head! It wasn’t supposed to happen like this/this soon/this late in life.’ John Lennon said… Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making plans. I never considered that maybe incessant planning is an inability to surrender control over the future and the unwillingness to accept that what will be will be. Having a concrete and unwavering plan allows us to shy away from the new and exciting, but scary unknown paths in life that present themselves before us.
This trip taught me a valuable lesson about releasing control of my own life and my future; having the faith that it will all be ok, and the confidence that no matter what lies ahead, good or bad, I can handle it. By not being so focused on how things ‘should’ be, you are free to enjoy things just as they are. It’s not about surrendering goals or dreams, it’s about being open to change and not afraid of it. Whilst away, I could no longer build dams in my river to direct the current in the direction I wanted it to go as I had in my old life. Instead I had to lie amongst the rapids and let the flow of the water move over me and carry me in the direction it was heading. It sounds scary, but the fight is exhausting, and with energy no longer being wasted on things that can’t be changed, more energy is freed up to enjoy the ride. This gave way to a whole new way of living. It was exciting and free and scary and wonderful. I gave myself a break from all that direction and just wandered a little.
I arrived back to the life I had created for myself here in New Zealand. The life of security and rules and I never felt so out of place. I realised that within my life here, I had set out a subconscious road map, complete with milestones, a phenomenon that is very common in our age group. By this age I will have the career, travel, partner, house, kids….
These grown-up milestones were laid out before me, in order of how things should and would happen. Heaven forbid that something might happen out of order. I stood in the shadow of the life pillars, shivering, desperate to move back out into the sunlight. As the story sometimes goes, each one of my milestones had not been conquered on time. A list of boxes sat unchecked. Shit. After two months of living like a nomad with no rules, structure, set plan, or anyone to answer to, I was faced with all my old conforms. Whilst the people around me were busy with their markers, putting huge red ticks in their boxes, I was off in dreamland making daisy chains and rolling in the hay…and I missed the bloody boat. 'Uh oh'…that familiar voice was saying. While you’ve been off having a right old time for the last few years, everyone else has been getting their act together.
But now is the time to bring a little bit of the Vietnamese way of life back to New Zealand. Accept, adapt, change and move with the tide. Fuck the plan. I’m doing an Indian rain dance around the old plan, wearing some sort of leather ensemble and chanting into the firelight. New plan…do what I love every day, with all the people that make my heart smile; don’t worry about what others are doing, there is no right or wrong, everyone is on their own journey. Be open to every new opportunity and roll with the fear and uncertainty it brings. Love and enjoy every second of life as if it is the last, and trust that everything will be just as it is meant to be. All those milestones will show up, in whatever order they are meant to, in whatever time is right. Have fun and laugh. This way of life is not for everyone, but it fits me like a glass slipper, and it’s never felt so good.
So what did Vietnam teach me - Roll with the unexpected, let life happen how it will…and trust that if you can imagine it, anything is possible.
‘…grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference…’
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference…’
~ Reinhold Niebuhr
The blog is going to be a little quieter from now on. After some amazing feedback from readers and friends, I have been encouraged to pursue writing further. I am starting a freelance writing course, and this coupled with writing a 100,000 word thesis may have the creative juices running dry….but I will try my hardest to keep in touch! Who would have thought that a little blog created to keep in touch with some of my girls overseas would turn into a possible future career in writing. One of those little unforseen wonders and good surprises that I could have never predicted was hiding on the shadowy edge of my path. And to think, I was almost ‘too cool’ to start a blog…
Talk to you soon fabulous friends,
Much love XXX
